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THE BLOTTER
ISSUE № 00142 — 06-04-26
BY: M.L. Nestel
Illustration by Rob Weiss
The Blotter.* A roundup of happenings in Gotham’s mean streets (and from time to time the tri-state region). Each item provides a staticky glimpse into the sleepless city’s peripheral misdemeanors, felonies, and misadventures.
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⬛ MANHATTAN
▀ Upper East Side: Nabbed Scientology Church Trespasser Warned Workers ‘You’re Lucky I Don’t Fuck You Up!’
STORMING L. RON Hubbard’s NYC Church of Scientology is under siege. By social media warriors enacting a mass dare to burst through the doors and wreck havoc.
First, a flash mob descended on its Times Square hub back on May 2.
That incident garnered some big headlines.
The Blotter covered it.
‘You’re lucky I don’t fuck you up!’
Less known was two days later when two screaming perps, 20 and 18, were chased out of the Church’s East 82nd Street property.
When a staffer pursued them the 20-year-old goon from New Jersey retorted, “You’re lucky I don’t fuck you up!”
They were able to make a clean getaway.
But the force wasn’t very mighty with them on that May 4 day.
Because on May 13 — the coppers caught up to them and they were soon charged with burglary (as a hate crime), criminal trespass (as a hate crime) and aggravated harassment (based on race/religion).
⬛ THE BRONX
▀ Fordham/Chinatown: Crack Slinger Popped After Months Of Dealing Rocks And Guns To Undercover Cop
FROM CHINATOWN TO the Boogie Down — one entrepreneur was pushing his product.
The 35-year-old hustler was running up the scores for months (dating back to Sept. 15, 2025) plying crack to a loyal and highly motivative customer.
The deals were transacted mostly in the Bronx. But there were some that occurred at the corner of Forsythe and Broome Streets in Chinatown.
However, that faithful patron was actually an undercover cop playing the fiend and paying cash for every drug buy.
He also allegedly sold the narc guns on two separate occasions.
The perp’s run ran out on the final deal on June 1.
THe suspect was brought up on criminal sale of a controlled substance (crack), criminal possession of loaded firearm, and two counts of criminal sale of a firearm.
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⬛ BROOKLYN
▀ Brighton Beach: Grocery Checker Admitted To Thieving $130K From Register
HER COME TO Jesus came with cop consequences.
Maybe the checker who admitted to looting her employer, Exquisite Foodland, for six figures for over a stretch of a year, thought that striking a deal to give up and pay back the cash — maybe she would be spared whole criminal dance.
She thought wrong.
The 27-year-old was caught up in the scam and on the morning of March 15 she admitted to pocketing cash from the grocery store located on Brighton Beach Avenue.
All of her larcenies from the register were captured on CCTV.
When the jig was up, the suspect penned a note to the owner.
“I stole a total of approximately $130,000 United States currency at the above time and place,” it read. “I will pay back $50,000 within the next 48 hours and the remaining $80,000 within a year.”
Three hours after she submitted this signed accord, she gave the owner $50,000.
It’s unclear if she ever repaid the remaining $80,000.
Either way, the cops moved in and tagged the admitted thief on May 4.
She was then booked for grand larceny (value in excess of $50k), criminal possession of stolen property (value in excess of $50k), petit larceny, and criminal possession of stolen property.
⬛ QUEENS
▀ Flushing: ‘I Am Going To Kill You!’: Wife Bushwhacks Husband’s Face With Broom
THEIR NUPTIALS WERE nearing terminal.
There might have been a time when a husband and wife in their youth would sort out their bickering with a little distance or a healing cup of tea.
But the 72-year-old wife wasn’t ready to make peace with her better half.
On the morning of May 3, the elder spouse was inside their home on 71st Avenue, holding a broom like a mace on the battlefield.
“I am going to kill you,” she shrieked.
And the woman made good on the threat.
She shellacked her hubby several times to his face causing his lip to bleed and fatten.
Then she went to work on his body.
And then she swung at the basin with the broom — causing it to crack and shatter.
The attack drew cops to disarm her of her broom weapon and she was led out and later slapped with assault, menacing, weapons possession, and criminal mischief (damage property).
⬛ STATEN ISLAND
▀ Village Greens: Woman Hate Texts Grandma To Add Her To Child’s School Records Or She ‘Will Blow The Place Up!’
THE GRANDMA WAS in a tough spot.
A 30-year-old woman was waging war on her for apparently neglecting to include her on a son’s official school docs.
And on the morning of May 8, the suspect aired her grievances.
Directly.
Cops say the woman lashed out on her phone with quite the certifiable screed.
“Listen to me carefully if you don’t put me on the school records and my address there we will have issues,” reads the first of many text messages sent from the supposed guardian or mother.
She explained she is going to court and needs her name and title to be on her young boy’s records with the school.
“Understand me: I will take him away in court… my lawyer is going to make sure and you will never be with him again.”
The school, in this case referring to P.S. 4, wasn’t giving in to the demands.
‘You’re a good mother, wait till the court hear [sic] how you let an autistic retard have a boyfriend who sucks his dick all day.’
So the woman allegedly stated in a note that if its administration “wants to keep playing” that she would “go up there and they will see what I will do.”
And the plan she schemed up in her head wasn’t to lay out her case or to load them up with reams of legal paperwork.
Her plan was much more immediate.
“I will blow the place up and tell that [sic] daughter of yours she’s getting jumped and arrested,” the note reads, according to the criminal complaint.
She then mordantly continued, “You’re a good mother, wait till the court hear [sic] how you let an autistic retard have a boyfriend who sucks his dick all day.”
The crestfallen woman was dealt a tougher blow by the law for her digital soliloquy.
Prosecutors took her texts to the bank and brought her up on making a terroristic threat, aggravated harassment, and making a threat of mass harm.
⬛ NYCTALGIA
▀ Good Life Slice (New York, NY)
«SOURCE»
▀ Crumbling (Lower East Side, NY) - 1993
Credit: Katie Jones
⬛ ET. AL
▀ Post Game Knickerbockers (New York, NY)
«SOURCE»
▀ Not Gonna Take It Anymore (New York, NY)
«SOURCE»
▀ Duane Wreck (New York, NY)
«SOURCE»
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*When perusing The Blotter, know that arrests do not constitute guilt, and all suspects are innocent until proven guilty. Moreover, the reported items are merely a snapshot of a criminal matter – what is known at the time of publishing. In most cases, the persons arrested for breaking the law haven’t been convicted (yet). It’s also possible that the charges brought against them may be reduced or even withdrawn.
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