HE HAD THE gall to steal from the cops. But was all too eager to show off the fashion score. 

Tenants were disturbed to discover the 37-year-old lying on the ground in a corridor inside a residential building located on Lexington Avenue off East 110th back on the night of Jan. 20.

He didn’t take measures to cloak his alleged police attire thievery. 

That’s because when cops were called to inquire about the slumbering interloper they found him all snuggly warm in a police-issued sweater. 

It happened to be one of many articles of NYPD items of department property that had vanished the day before inside the 23rd Precinct station house. 

CCTV footage showed the suspect seated in the waiting area — tiptoe into a restricted area of the precinct and then slither into an office. He was then recorded skulking out unnoticed wearing the new NYPD threads. 

The same alleged cop sweater that he was caught wearing while lying on the ground in dreamscape – surely frolicking around the wilds alongside magical ponies searching for fabled treasures. 

The suspect was awoken to a taste of reality. He was charged with burglary, petit larceny, and criminal trespass. And if it’s official institutional gear he’s craving, prisons have an abundance.

HIS SUBWAY FREEBIE wasn’t below the belt. It was only once he landed himself in a holding cell when he really opened the kimono. 

A 38-year-old man decided the subway didn’t need his $3. At around 8 p.m. on Dec. 17 authorities say he skipped the pay swipe and limboed through the emergency door of the Tremont Avenue subway stop. 

Officers chased down the man and attempted to bring him under arrest. The suspect allegedly attempted to resist by flailing his arms and twisting his body.

Two hours later while he was stuck behind bars at the transit district precinct, the suspect decided it was time to really express himself. 

He dropped his pants and pulled out his unit and then guffawed, “Y’all can suck my dick!

“If I had gotten loose, I would take ya guns.”

He was hit with resisting arrest, theft of services, criminal trespass, and exposure of a person for the jailhouse peep show.

A SUSPECTED PERV P.E. coach exposed himself to a young student and it didn’t end well. 

On the late afternoon of Oct. 30, the 40-year-old teacher sent a pic of his “exposed penis” with a “hand grasping [it],” the criminal complaint reads. 

The unsavory, who teaches physical education at Millenium High School allegedly sent the XXX pic to a 16-year-old student via SnapChat. 

He then allegedly captioned it, asking if he could “kiss her”. 

The disturbing antic was shared with several of the girl’s fellow students. 

One of them tattled to school brass. 

And then the cops were notified. 

On Jan. 14, investigators formally slapped the coach with distributing indecent material to a minor and acting in a manner injurious to a child less than 17 years old.

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A WOULD-BE TRAVELER had her wings clipped when she was caught trying to board a plane with suitcases filled with pot. 

The 32-year-old had to suffer a secondary bag search when she attempted to catch a flight at the strike of midnight back on Dec. 28. 

Security flagged the woman hoping to take off while she was checking in for a flight at JFK’s Terminal 4.

After the closer looksee at the suitcases, the agents discovered a lot of doobage — that weighed in just over 37 pounds of the stuff. 

She was swiftly booked on criminal possession of cannabis. 

SHE TAKES NO prisoners. 

A 69-year-old woman is facing hardships for losing her cool when she doesn’t get tapioca pudding for dessert. 

Maybe she was banned from Bingo. 

Whatever it was, the woman was especially unruly at 4 p.m. on Nov. 3. 

She was inside the assisted living home on Father Capodanno Boulevard when she allegedly took a couple good shots at another person. 

The woman threw several punches at another and struck them in the head. Then, she allegedly drew her cane and whacked the person several times, causing them to suffer excessive bleeding. 

Authorities hit her with assault (with a weapon), weapons possession, menacing, and harassment. 

It’s unclear what specifically provoked the lady to unleash such an unforgiving beatdown. 

The attack wasn’t a one-off. The woman had already been convicted to a conditional discharge a decade prior for drug possession in the Bronx.

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FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY
A raging grandpa clad in all black hoping his Fixadent doesn't fail him now — stomps over to the driver's side of a grey Toyota minivan.

The car is idling outside a garage, inhibiting the old man from being able to enter.

He points his right index finger right at the driver who can't be seen by the camera hovering several stories above in an apartment complex nearby.

OLD MAN 1:

Move the car I got to get into the garage.

(PAUSE)

OLD MAN 1 (CONT.):

I got to get into the garage. Want to move your car?

His bescectacled pal, wearing a black coat and newspaper boy cap, tortoises over with a cane to coax the minivan driver.

Both man talk in a boisterous symphony.

OLD MAN 1:

You're sitting here -- move the car.
OLD MAN 2:

Just move the car!

The minivan driver doesn't budge.
This irks the second old man, who lifts his cane like a samurai challenging him to a duel. He says something gibberish.

OLD MAN 1 (shouting):

MOVE THE CAR!

He motions with his hand, pointing outward.

OLD MAN 1 (shouting again):

MOVE THE CAR!!

When nothing happens, he raises his right open hand and slaps the top of the minivan.

The person shooting the incident gasps in disbelief, almost asking without saying: What is this old man thinking? Is he on some kind of suicide mission?

OLD MAN 1:

MOVE THE CAR!

The driver's door suddenly cracks open.
Old Man 1 yanks it afar even wider. He's now jawing with his adversary at a dangerous distance.

The driver, a short bald man also clearly shopping at the same Burlington Coat Factory sale as his rivals — points his finger back into Old Man 1's chest.

OLD MAN 1 (Shoting at the top of his lungs):

MOVE THE CAR!!!! I gotta get in there.
MOVE THE FUCKING CAR!!!

OLD MAN 1 is berating the driver. He ducks back into the driver's seat. Still unwilling to budge despite the exchange and demands by the two geezers.

Things are getting more physical. Words aren't working so shoving might. The driver gets out and starts shoving Old Man 1. Just then a woman comes into the frame and attempts to play peacemaker.

The driver's guardian angel (is she his wife? Sister?) shields the driver .

OLD MAN 1 (AGAIN):

MOVE THE CAR! I GOTTA GET IN THERE.

Her presence appears to disarm him.

OLD MAN 1:

Move the car. Move the-- He sees me waiting here!

But it's only momentarily.
The driver storms out. Away from the woman and rushes over to the old man's car.

He babbles some words and then with the bottom of a closed right fist, bashes the front left hood of Old Man 1's Honda.

The woman again races over to neutralize.

OLD MAN 1 apparently can't think of anything else to say in his rage other than "Move the car!"

The woman tries to hold him back as the driver is satisfied with the one blow he inflicted.

OLD MAN 1:

He's gonna move his car now!

The woman opens the rolling side door and seems to try to place a plastic bag of something inside. Again, the stagnancy is goating the old man.

OLD MAN 1 (Pointing his finger as if it’s a dagger):

Move the car.

He and his cane-clutching pal walk back to the Honda.
The driver is dallying with the woman's stuff and still mad dogging the old men.

The old man seeing zero progress isn't done.

OLD MAN 1:

Move the car.

The driver mocks his protests.
It sets Old Man 1 into the red.
He walks over to the car and front kicks the left rear bumper of the driver's Toyota. Old Man 2 can only lean on his can by the Honda and watch. He wants zero part of this street parking bout.

OLD MAN 1: Move the car.

Out pops the driver. It's gonna be a kick for a kick today. There will be nobody that gets any slight edge.

He stammers over toward Old Man 1.

MINIVAN DRIVER: What was that?

He then lunches past the old man and kicks the Honda's front hood panel.
Old Man 1 clearly knows he can yell but if it comes to duking it out — he's gonna crumble like Pickup Stix.
So he yammers and points at the younger driver.

OLD MAN 1: Move the car!

The driver walks back to the minivan.
The woman is saying something to try to quell the old man's protests. The driver finally drive off.
And the old man give him one last: "Move the car!"

FADE OUT

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-30-

*When perusing The Blotter, know that arrests do not constitute guilt, and all suspects are innocent until proven guilty. Moreover, the reported items are merely a snapshot of a criminal matter – what is known at the time of publishing. In most cases, the persons arrested for breaking the law haven’t been convicted (yet). It’s also possible that the charges brought against them may be reduced or even withdrawn.

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