LIGHTNING ZAPPED A man (not really, but who knows?!) for taking off with an urn from its resting permanent place. 

The 27-year-old Bronx man was seen sauntering into the Cathedral of St. John the Divine at around noon on July 19. 

He took into his possession an urn with human remains inside and then did the devil dance through its sacred doors. 

Maybe he thought he was home free with the stolen cremated vessel when church security pounced on him and they summoned a nearby detail who formally applied cold steel cuffs on his greasy mitts. 

He was hauled away and searched. 

Officers found in his pocket a crack pipe and some ashy residue. 

Authorities also discovered the perp was up against it with a prior May 14 bust for possessing yet more crack rocks in transit.

SHE WALKED INTO the Bereshit Lifestyle Center and was injected with the anti-aging drug NAD+.

But she didn’t walk out.

It was around noon on July 19, when 27-year-old woman received the IV medication by a 55-year-old quack.

An hour later the victim was pronounced dead.

When investigators pressed the man about his hand in the untimely demise of the “patient” — the suspect admitted to his ghoulish gaff.

“I made a very big mistake,” he confided, according to the criminal complaint.

All appeared routine at first.

"I gave her NAD IV," he told them. "She went unconscious immediately.”

Her comatose inspired him to dial for help.

“I called 911,” he said, stressing his rickety medical bonafides. “I am a doctor in the Dominican Republic and I have a physician’s assistants license in Puerto Rico.”

Then the truth caught his tongue. “I am not a licensed doctor in New York,” he admitted. “My license is pending. I only have an esthetician license."

Seeing that he was in big trouble, the pretend doc asked to use the phone.

“I need to call my family because I have a feeling I will not be home for a while,” he said.

However, the suspect was only arraigned on reckless endangerment and unauthorized practice — but freed sans bail.

An autopsy to determine the cause of death for the dead women is still pending.

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The 40-year-old hellraiser allegedly was captured on CCTV desecrating the Islamic Mission of America/Dawood Mosque located on State Street near Clinton Street back at around 4:30 a.m. on March 9. 

The shocking footage showed the scumbag tossing pieces of the Quran all over its front steps, according to the criminal complaint. 

He then stole away. 

Only to return shortly afterward. 

This time he was recorded walking up the steps with a bag. 

He then drew a napkin out of the bag and smeared what was later determined to be feces all over the mosque door and stairs. 

Months past by, and by June 10, cops finally nabbed the suspect and he was slapped with attempted criminal mischief and attempted aggravated harassment.

SHE WAS ROLLED the second she smelled the steamy summer NYC air. 

A tourist exiting Terminal 4 of JFK Airport back on the early evening of June 8 was swooped off her heels by a dapper-dressed deviant looking the part of an authority figure replete with a walkie-talkie. 

The 39-year-old donning a black suit allegedly swindled the visiting woman who sought to get to the other side of the Hudson to check into her room at the Wyndham Garden North Hotel in North Bergen, New Jersey, according to the criminal complaint. 

And before she could even talk shop about a price — she was delivered to a waiting driver parked outside the terminal in a blue Tesla. 

The driver then demanded his fare pay him $500 for the lift. 

Seeing she was being snookered, the woman contacted the police and they intervened. 

The suited shotcaller was nailed for the jacked up price tag to milk clientele. But the driver got away without a wrist slap. 

Authorities took suit into custody and he’s now defending himself against raps for petit larceny, fraudulent accosting, conspiracy, and unlawful solicitation of ground transportation services.

A SEX PEST went batshit in the middle of the night — trying to have his way over a woman and then late threatening to chop down the building’s security detail. 

The 37-year-old unsavory slithered his way inside a building at around 2 a.m. on June 14, according to the criminal complaint.

The suspect initially approached a woman resident by pressing his meek mitts on her buttocks and then grinding his appendage against them. 

Aghast at the molestor’s brazen attack — she sought refuge in her apartment and crawled into bed. 

‘I am going to cut you in half.’

-Punk, 37, returning to challenge building concierge

Only the craven lust machine followed her and quickly burst into the bedroom.

He then allegedly crawled into the bed next to the terrified woman and tried to rip off her pants without her okay. 

“I am stronger than you,” he chest-thumped. “Just let this happen.

“It is going to be worth it.”

When his rapey chatter failed, the sadistic punk allegedly pitstopped on his way out to loot a security guard’s radio. 

CCTV verified the perp snatched the device at around 3 a.m. that same day. 

‘I am stronger than you. Just let this happen. It is going to be worth it.’

-The trespasser told woman attempting to flee sex attacker

What’s more, the same attacker somehow returned to make more trouble at the building just around noon that same day.  

He then approached the concierge working the day shift and spit, “I am going to cut you in half.”

Cops caught up to the groping ganker and found the radio in his possession. 

The suspect was formally brought up on forcible touching, sex abuse, petit larceny, menacing, and criminal possession of stolen property.

HE CLAIMS HE atoned for his perversions.

But Lady Justice doesn’t accept self-flagellation as penitence.

So when cops were made aware of the 42-year-old man’s attempt to spy on females as they used the bathroom inside a home on Hartford Avenue — they relied on the penal code.

The goon allegedly set a phone inside the loo at around 1 a.m. on Feb. 24.

But there was a camera in the home keeping tabs on his insolent act.

Authorities say his intent mission was to indulge his lust.

A woman discovered the device trained on the toilet and discovered it was recording.

‘Yes, that’s me. I’m not gonna deny it; that was me.’

-42-year-old pinched perv explains after being filmed setting camera in bathroom

She then informed the cops.

But the perp wasn’t hit with charges until May 12.

Those raps included unlawful surveillance and unlawful surveillance (for the purpose of sexual arousal or gratification).

Once in custody, the man allegedly answered for his perverted crimes caught on camera.

“Yes, that’s me,” he coughed up. “I’m not gonna deny it; that was me.”

Yet, when pressed to explain more — he sought pity and suggested he has suffered enough.

He blabbed, “I already apologized for my behavior.”

HE CAN’T CONTROL himself. Or keep his pants on. 

A 68-year-old perv was picked up for showing up for the second time in the last six months to put on a solo stroking show before a 28-year-old woman at her home. 

Cops say the sicko was busted (again) for returning to her home on Kramer Street and Mallory Avenue back on March 30 where he showed off his manhood and committed a lewd act, the crimainal complaint states. 

That included rubbing himself down there in and “upward and downward motion” and then ejaculating on the poor woman’s door and proceeding to smear his seed all over it and the door knob.  

It was his repeat offense. That’s because the same senior had been front and center in front of the young woman’s home back on Nov. 2 of last year where the stroker was pinched for the same masturbatory malfeasance. 

And he also took his lust on the road. 

For the same perp was captured on the evening of April 26. In this incident the suspect readied himself on a subway platform in Manhattan’s Bryant Park station and then flashed a 23-year-old victim.  

He was popped for public lewdness and exposure of a person for that crime. 

The most recent act before the same Staten Island woman adds to his 20 priors — many busts for public lewdness and forcible touching) that date all the back to 1983. (The first arrest was for weapon possession.)

A MACHETE AND a kill switch earned a landlord a spot in the pokey. 

Something really vexed a 70-year-old maniac who went to the mattresses back on the night of June 19. 

He apparently paid a visit to his tenant and decided it was time to show who was boss. 

And he did so brandishing a machete. 

He snarled, “If you don’t back the fuck up — I will cut you.”

By all accounts the tenant obliged and retreated some steps back. 

The suspect may not have drew blood, but he allegedly decided it was time to force his tenant to find another living situation. 

So he turned off the electricity. 

Cops were called and the muscling to force the tenant to bounce and fear for his life led to a series of charges including menacing, weapons possession, harassment, and unlawful eviction.

Sean O'Dubhghaill, Special to The Blotter

ANOTHER PRISONER LEFT a New York lockup in a bodybag.

Jose Aponte, 34, died after being attacked by a fellow inmate inside Collins Correctional Facility, in the town of Collins – a residential rehabilitation facility inside the medium-security prison.

The man was reported down at about 11 p.m. on July 21, according to a statement released by the State Police.

Aponte was taken to the Bertrand Chaffee Hospital where he was pronounced dead.

The cause of death remains a mystery.

There is nothing to suggest that another inmate is being eyed for the untimely death.

Aponte was sent to Collins in February, serving a five year sentence for attempted burglary in the Bronx. H

is first parole hearing was slated for September 2027, records show.

Earlier this week The Blotter reported two other violent deaths in state prison custody.

Marcos Alcaraz, 35, was killed when a fire broke out inside he single cell at the Eastern Correctional maximum security prison at 1:40 a.m. on July 18.

He was pronounced dead at the scene and an autopsy determined he died from smoke inhalation and sustained burns. The fire was considering suspicious and his death is still being investigated.

No arrest have been made in that slaying either.

The previous day, Joaquin Bullock, 38, was stabbed to death and another inmate was injured when a fight broke out between seven inmates inside Attica maximum security prison.

The fight was broken up after a guard fired tear gas, quelling the violence.

Bullock had been serving life without parole for the August, 2018 murder of man in Far Rockaway, Queens.

The State Police said they have identified all seven men involved however so far no arrests have been made. 

Earlier this month in Mohawk Correctional, guards recovered a cell phone and a homemade ice pick during a cell "shake down" search after a prisoner was slashed in the face with a weapon inside a dormitory facility on July 19.

The weapon was found inside a hole in the wall in the shower area of a communal bathroom.

A 24-year0old inmate, serving a four year term for a Manhattan attempted robbery conviction, was taken into custody for the assault.

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*When perusing The Blotter, know that arrests do not constitute guilt, and all suspects are innocent until proven guilty. Moreover, the reported items are merely a snapshot of a criminal matter – what is known at the time of publishing. In most cases, the persons arrested for breaking the law haven’t been convicted (yet). It’s also possible that the charges brought against them may be reduced or even withdrawn.

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