YOU’D ALMOST THINK Barnum & Bailey (hopped up on something fierce) had come to town. 

An enterprising pair set up shop outside Madison Square Garden vending balloons. 

Only these weren’t the kind that kiddos getting their mouths extra sticky nibbling cotton candy. 

Instead they were the patchouli-scented, thrill-seeking set with black credit cards who are too preoccupied to try to scout for a street parking spot in Hell’s Kitchen and rather plunk down $100 to garage their Range Rover. 

It was July 22 when jam band Phish pitstopped in Gotham.
The side hustlers, 36 and 37, were spotted on a corner at 7th Avenue next to a large pressurized tank. 

The officer noticed that they had blown up several inflated balloons. 

When the officer made his approach, he noticed one of men attempt “to run away from me.”

But the bozo left behind the tank. And balloons. 

And the suspect wasn’t hard to catch. 

Cops found his cohort the next day. 

Each was given the business of being charged with illegal sale and use of toxic vapors and unlawful possession of noxious material.

A HOMEOWNER OPENED her door to find a mad woman toting a metal bat and three heavies in tow. 

It was around 4:20 p.m. on June 17 when the visitors arrived. 

And the 67-year-old woman didn’t recognize the visitors to her Creston Avenue home. 

“Tony, come out,” the woman ringleader belted. 

But the homeowner replied, “There is no Tony here.”

That was like fussing with a dog’s kibble while they were chowing down. 

The woman took her bat and shoved it against the older woman’s neck, shoving her backwards, causing the woman to suffer a contusion to her right index finger against the door that she was ragdolled. 

“Don’t get involved in this,” the perp, 42, warned. 

The gang of miscreants took their hunt upstairs. 

Not long after the perps evaporated. 

Investigators tracked down the suspect (though they couldn’t find her three sidekicks) and took her down for burglary of a dwelling, assault (victim 65 or older), criminal obstruction of breathing, menacing, and weapons possession (with intent to use).

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A WOMAN COULDN’T walk from here to there without getting messed with by some prick. 

The 49-year-old dingleberry made sure of that. 

He was walking on a sidewalk on Mother Gaston Boulevard back on the night of July 13. 

And trailing especially close behind a woman. 

Authorities say the woman was wearing a dress, but nothing underneath. 

So when the suspect decided it a thrill to lift up her dress — it exposed the woman’s entire underside. 

The suspect was put into custody quickly and charged with lewdness, expose body in public, and exposure of a person. 

HIS UNRELENTING KNOCKS at the door were answered with a curt rebuke. 

But the man, 49, was undaunted. 

And he kept on knocking. 

It was around 9 p.m. on April 10 and the suspect refused to scram. 

So the tenant opened the door. And the interloper saw the crack and despite being denied, he pressed his bodyweight against it and overpowered the woman inside. 

She backed up and as he stepped forward the wolf was in the henhouse now. 

Pleas were made for him to take a hike. Again. 

And he muttered, “I’m not leaving!”

At some point he took a hint and left. 

But the moment apparently inspired him to embark on a campaign to bother the woman from morning and night with a series of unwanted phone calls, voicemails and texts — all coming from an unknown caller ID. 

But the woman later informed authorities she detected the perp’s voice. 

On Aug. 3, the suspect was finally taken into custody and charged with stalking (causing fear), criminal trespass, harassment, aggravated harassment (making a threat).

THE GREEDY BANDIT was on a banner run. Until boosting one too many vacuum cleaners.  

The 27-year-old freeloader was first testing fate by entering a Stop and Shop located on Richmond Avenue on the night of March 27. 

The suspect, according to the criminal complaint, loaded up a trolley with nine (count’em) cases of Red Bull. 

The thirsty cowboy was captured on CCTV strolling past the aisles to pay for the $239 worth of energy drinks. 

On May 25, the same perp was pretending to be a customer inside a Walgreens located on Forest Avenue. 

He allegedly loaded up on dental dreams. 

That involved a box of white strips and 54 toothbrushes. (Because crooks are well aware you only get one set of pearly whites in this life, after all!). 

Four days later the same thief struck a Lowe’s store. 

He allegedly tried to steal away with four vacuum cleaners (totaling almost $2,500) without paying for them. 

The health-conscious crook was fingered on July 1 and hit with grand larceny (retail good scheme), criminal possession of stolen property, and petit larceny. 

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THE OWNER OF a 2024 Tesla truck hopped a flight out of the States.

But 10 days later it sat parked in front of a Chase Bank on Libery Avenue and no movement.

That stagnancy inspired local authorities to seek intel.

They found the family and were trying to find a spare key while the owner was out hunting rabid sharks in South Africa or whatever.

He claims the spot where it was parked, wasn’t where he left it.

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*When perusing The Blotter, know that arrests do not constitute guilt, and all suspects are innocent until proven guilty. Moreover, the reported items are merely a snapshot of a criminal matter – what is known at the time of publishing. In most cases, the persons arrested for breaking the law haven’t been convicted (yet). It’s also possible that the charges brought against them may be reduced or even withdrawn.

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